Sweet Jade and Hella John
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: Ground-up remake of this fossil-old (2012-2013) thing I did back on the MSPA Forums, part of the "SBIG" series and the original fourth installment. Black comedy, deliberately poorly-written misadventures of John and Jade. NEW FEATURES: no Mario Intermission because that dragged on too long, more coherance, it's in Super HD 2160p now (but text-only), and no "pointless" characters.
1. The Gateway to Madness

**Sweet Jade and Hella John**

 **Chapter 1: The Gateway to Madness**

 **Beginning AN:**

Early in 2012, I posted a fanventure (that was moved to the "Artbound" folder due to a lack of suggestions or even comments) on the MS Paint Adventures forums with the exact same title as this. A while later, I retroactively decided to make it an official part of the _SBIG_ series rather than a completely unrelated stand-alone title, although as this takes place in a different multiverse from most of _SBIG_ (something I'm confirming right now... but you might want to kind of take notes on the exact words I'm using), it didn't really mean much. Back then, all they had in common was that they were intentionally poorly written. Now, as of posting this chapter the MSPA forums have been down for over a year, but the mirror to the comic still survives last time I checked. (It's ID number 588 for those that don't want to use the search feature and instead just toy with URLs.) The thing was a daily-updating, MS Paint drawn comic done closer to the style of _Homestuck_ itself than the rest of _SBIG_ is, and...

It sucked.

It sucked **hard.**

The story had no idea what the hell it was trying to do. I was just spitballing everything from the beginning, the fic wasn't very planned out because I just thought I was going to be using dumb suggestions to carry it through. Once the suggestions died down, I tried to string it along together, and that led to me doing the one thing I keep doing, which is to give it a full-blown storyline that tried to be consistent. That, it succeeded in, at the cost that there was really no humor, but nothing to really get excited about writing-wise either. It was long, complicated, had a woven story... and almost nothing else. It also looked ugly and stuff. That's just not the kind of thing I'd like doing with _SBIG_. While _SBIG_ fics are meant to kind of have stories, they're also not even remotely meant to be taken seriously, with the half-assedness being part of the humor. And that doesn't really apply here.

Also there were too many incest jokes.

I have many of the same issues with _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ , although not to nearly as big of an extent. I will officially say that **the original webcomic is non-canon to** _ **SBIG**_ **lore, and that this replaces that one when it comes to... well, lore.** The original SJAHJ was technically the fourth installment, so... I guess I'm also calling this the "fourth" much like how the redone Great Typo Cleanup stuff still hasn't changed their numbering. I'd like to not do that, anyway.

I had toyed with the idea of remaking the webcomic, first by touching up little things, then by rebuilding it from scratch, and then... I just kind of lost the effort to actually go and "draw" up stuff (a lot of the comic was copy-paste and crude scribbles), so here's a text-only remake for your "enjoyment!"

Also, the same copy-paste disclaimer explaining what "SBIG" means, if you've read this before in another installment you can skip it.

 **Welcome to SBIG!** This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

* * *

It was a bright and beautiful day as the Sun was gleaming and the birds were singing and ambient guitar music was playing. Why ambient guitar music? Because this is in Arlen, Texas, much like _King of the Hill_ 's location!

We'll focus on a weird house. This looked like the other homes in the neighborhood, except that there was something else sticking from it. A giant white tower, of other houses, I mean house-like things. Because this was a different house that was built on top of another house. And the house on the bottom was John's.

As the caemra went past the Arlen water tower, then a billboard to the band "The Gigantic Asses," which I'll elaborate more on later. In addition to that, there was also Strickland Propane and a Wal-mart (Maybe Mega-Lo Mart? Eh I want this to be more realistic). But then there's just focus on John's house for now.

Within it, he had just gotten up and was prepared to get out and explore the world for whatever following adventure would happen! But then he got to the door, found it unlocked, but tried to open it and he couldn't. There was something blocking it.

"Dammit!" He said." Something is blocking my door!"

Knowing that his adventuring won't stop now, even after being... I guess yo ucould say, _Homestuck,_ he charged his shoulder towards the door and successfully broke it down...

It fell back in to the room, revealing the thing behind it was a statue of a Jane with a raised middle finger.

Oh.

That was just part of their 'prank-offs.'

Still, this is gonna eat up his adventuring time! He needs to explore and shit!

John shouted "JAAAAAANE!" To the heavens, and let's cut above to Jade.

Jade was in the other house waking up at2:00 PM above, getting out of bed to look at the window. She was also ass-naked, because she's disgusting in this AU and doesn't wear pajamas, so she's sweaty and hairy as hell.

John pestered her and she groaned after yawning and generally being a pain in this ass in this AU.

\- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2:14 PM -  
GG: ugh what? :/  
EB: i'm trapped in my house!  
GG: oh  
GG: jump out the window  
EB: i mean my room.  
GG: oh  
GG: well still jump out the window :P  
EB: jane's pulling her increasingly leathal pranks  
EB: did you just wake up?  
GG: yeah  
GG: hold on im still naked  
GG: normally id tell you to wait for me to get dressed but its you so ill come ASAP  
EB: please don't come asap.  
EB: take time to get dressed.  
GG: take time?  
GG: okay can i just sit on my ass with cheetos then?  
GG: no answer good ill take that as a yes  
\- gardenGnostic [GG] has left the conversation -  
EB: jade, wait!  
EB: you didn't even give me the time!  
EB: dammit fuck.

Dammit now he's stuck.

This happens a lot, between them. I guess thaqt is the relationship between:

 **Sweet Jade and Hella John**

 **Chapter 1: The Gateway to Ma-**

Oh ASS there's already a title at the top! How did that get there?

Anyway, let's cut over to some others that aren't stuck in their homes. Like Rose. Rose is not trapped.

She was out in a forest close by Arlen kind of just nitting (she nits, right? And Kanaya sows?)

She got a call Pester from Dave:

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:29 PM -  
TG: hey  
TG: so theres a new valentines release coming out  
TG: you in?  
TT: WHITCH ONE.  
TT: I MUST know dudge because there's so many movies.  
TT: Inform me on the library of collaged books transformed in to films of presumably epic length and  
TG: you know the movie  
TG: THAT one  
TG: the one i dont feel like discussing much because  
TG: you know  
TG: jade kind of ruined the promotional material  
TG: *sigh*  
TG: she just  
TG: ruins everything  
TT: I think you said enough about Jade already.  
TG: yeah youre right  
TG: this is supposed to be a nice day  
TG: where we you know  
TG: enjoy ourselves  
TG: just us and maybe roxy or dirk or jane or even jake or john  
TG: but i know whats on johns mind all the time  
TT: You still shouldn't not talk about her  
TG: i know  
TT: A little obsessive.  
TG: yeah id rather be psychoanalyzed by you than listen to her mock my family and my life any longer  
TG: because you know  
TG: rough life  
TT: So let's do that!  
TG: wait shit what did i just agree to

This went on for a while.

Anyway, Rose finished this by digging to Dave's brain (again, I mean what?) and that was boring.

* * *

Some trolls were walking aroundi nthe sunlight. They were able to do this because Earth's sun wasn't fucking hot like Alternia's. Nepeta and Kanaya were actually these trolls - and they went to the John/Jade hybrid house. Kanaya is diurnal and Nepeta is awake in the day because... well, we'll get to that. (I fucking hate saying "well we'll" it's like the same word twice but the second one has an apostrophe.)

Nepeta kncoked on the door and Jane answered.

"Hi!" She said. "Um, my furrend here, named Kanaya, knew about a 'Jade' that lived here? She... arranged this visit between her and Jade because they're online friends, and I have my own reasons for being here that are a little more... 'classified.'"

Jane laughed. "I have John trapped in his room because of my super strength but I guess that prank has been going on long enough."

"Are your pranks always like that?"

"Not until recently. We've been escalating since the start of the new year, and are planned to keep going until our birthday in April."

"So four months?"

"Three and a half. We started this year, and planned to dial it back the next years but keep escalating until April 13th."

"...Weird. You realize that by giving away your birthday like that, someone can steal your identity?" Asked Nepeta.

"Well, I-"

"I could have your credit cards. ...Just kidding! So, where's John?"

"In his room... do you know him?"

"No - he doesn't know me, but I kind of knew about him from Kanaya."

\- grimAuxiliatrix began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 2:34 PM -  
GA: Hello Jade  
GG: my bestest friend ever is trapped  
GG: shits serious open with something flashier than 'Hello Jade'  
GG: ew now i just remembered whe i hate caps  
GG: because of those sticked keys and shit  
GG: urgh my finger is dirty now  
GG: fuhggin mountain dew ;)  
GA: How Well Do You Keep Your Electronics Anyway  
GG: not well  
GG: i mean just about everything is only hanging on by like a fucking thread here  
GG: urgheuuugh  
GG: again  
GG: dont ever drink MD by the computer  
GG: urgh i did it again fuck my shift keys!  
GG: maybe i should just use caps lock  
GG: but thats fucking tedious...

So Kanaya was making her way up some staircase at the side of John's house to get to the entrance of Jade's house. That, by the way, is how people get to Jade's house in case something's happening with John's house or no Egberts are home. They just go around and shit. The houses aren't actually linked up internally. If they were then there would be some privacy involved.

Jade had long been dressed of course but when Kanaya answered Jade was still covered with Mountain Drew and Doritos.

"Sup?" She asked.

"Ew..." Replied Kanaya.

Then there was a THUMP.

Jade's room was now blocked by another statue! This one, for those wondering, was of _Jake_ flipping off the uh... Jade in this case.

"Oh dear." Said Kanaya.

GA: Jade  
GG: yo  
GA: So We Are Stranded  
GA: In Your Room  
GA: Stuck I Should Say  
GA: In Your Home I Should Say  
GG: fuck  
GA: it Is A Statue Of Jake With His Middle Lateral Quasi-Pseudoium Finger In An Elevated Position Relative To The Others  
GG: yeah i see im right fucking next to you whats with trollian anyway?  
GG: hes flipping me off!  
GG: hahahaha gg jake!  
GG: oh god thats how john feels  
GG: now i feel like such a fucking ass for not helping him earlier :)  
GG: i should do something about it  
GG: oh wait  
GG: right im stuck  
GG: FUCK  
GG: any tips?  
GA: Yes In Fact  
GA: Nepeta Wants To Say Something  
\- arsenicCatnip [AC] joined the conversation! -  
AC: :33 hi!  
AC: :33 yes i do have a tip!  
GG: the fugg are you?  
AC: :33 you dont remember me?  
GG: not really  
GG: just everything about you radiates not-importance  
GG: like i still forgot you but i can tell from reading this shit that youre probably not that special  
AC: :33 oh  
AC: :33 well that may be used as an insult by you but i think in a weird way its a compliment!  
GG: what no  
GG: why the fuck would you want to be UNimportant  
GG: youd think youd want to be REALLY improtant  
AC: :33 well  
AC: :33 i dont think people like you will get it  
GG: howdya know me?  
GG: the fuck do you mean by that?  
AC: :33 we met before you just dont remember me  
AC: :33 anyway the statues  
AC: :33 look at them VERY catfurrly  
AC: :33 always keep an eye on the smmall details  
GG: wait what?  
\- arsenicCatnip [AC] left the conversation! -  
GG: i knew it  
GG: not important  
GA: Hey  
GG: what i just had a gut feeling  
GG: and so far theyve been right  
\- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering grimAuxilliatrix [GA] at 2:45 PM -

So that left John to look around hin l,ike, his home.

Uh, yeah there qwas these Nick Cage posters and some other movies I never heard of until this comic.

And that _god damn statue_ blocking the only way out, _taunting the shit out of him._ Like wow what a taunting annoying statue.

John really needed to think of a strategy. Not only to get out, but to also prank Jane back.

Once that was taken care of, some kind of KICK-ASS AMAZING ADVENTURE can happen.

So John just kind of slammed his hammer at the statue a lot and ir didn't break. HOWEVER, asecret compartment DID open up with a paper saying "Hoo hoo, you know I know strength! You'll have to try harder than that!" It was written in cyan so of course that's Jane's handwriting.

He hammered the statue harder and it just spawned anotehr note, reading "Seriously? Up to the same tricks? Think of something more clever."

John sighed.

"Jand this isn't fair." He said. "How stoned are you to think about being this MEAN? Probably not very stoned; I mean, you're always like this so maybe that's your normal self. Unless you taking drugs I don't know about."

He could swear he saw her from the corner of his eye, but then she disappeared.

"JANE!" He shouted. "I know you're around here somewhere! You know you have to sleep here too, so uh... the joke is on you that you're locking yourself out of your own room!"

He heard her laughing, but it abruptly stopped.

What the fuck, was this a horror movie or something?

"ARGH! Horror movies! ...Oh wait, I like bad movies and that includes some horror movies?" He said to himself. Also, half-to Jane.

Then Jane zipped over to him from the shadows!

"I already know more about this world than you do..." She said. "I hang out wiht Jake, we go to all kinds of wonderous places that I am barring you from entry of at this moment with my incredible, unbeatable prank skills! You know, if you _really_ want an easy way out of being roomtrapped, you can battle me. Get a taste of the _real_ adventure instead of being stuck in this 'tutorial...'"

John got in an action hero pose and pointed at her. "BRING IT ON, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Jane suddenly zipped in to another part of the room, and held out a red spoon!

"Oh. That Crocker stuff. What's that supposed to-"

Then she flipped a button and it turned in to a sword bigger than her!

"Oh shit."

 **BOSS 1: PRANK OVERLADY: JANE EGBERT!**

So then Jane just stabbed the ground with her Crockerblade (that's the name of the sword) and suddenly it made like this V-shaped shockwave that just tore the house in half, and it kept spreading out to tear even more of it up. We'll see how much near the end.

But hey, at least that attack also destroyed the statue. Out of it flew a paper that said "I knew it! I would get bored of this eventually and destroy the statue FOR you! :B" written in cyan.

Jade's house was located in such a way that it wasn't effected by being torn in half, but it _was_ moved to the left as that was the side of the house relative to the 'rip' that it was on.

John immediately got nervous. He tried to look around and see if he could index up something good, maybe, hopefully.

"I don't know how to fight someone that powerful,!" He shouted, barely getting an ordinary hammer out. But he felt nervous about it.

Jane dashed towards him and lightly tapped his chest with the sword.

"Boop!" She said. "There, you would be dead if I were actually tryign!"

He first laughed it off, then she flicked a finger on his forehead lightly and that caused him to start bleeding vehemently. Like, that's a LOT of blood.

"AAAAAOOOOWW!" He cried. With a laugh, Jane jumped back, and held the Crockerblade up high.

"Looks like I'm the one winning THIS prank-off!" She exclaimed. "So, twin brother, any extra tricks you have up your sleeve?"

Yeah the prnaks really DO just keep getting more deadly and fucked up.

"Well uh... Jade and I can kind of work together for our advantage! What do you have with Jake, again?"

"Oh Jake and I are actually dating. Duh! Remember, Jade keeps teasing 'my brother is kissing your sister?'"

"Yes, but... but... our FRIENDSHIP is longer! And friendship is better than relationships!"

"You only think that because Jade keeps telling you 'bros before hos!' Obviously I'm better than you in most aspects! Including the speed of my relationship!"

He tries to fight back with his hammer, getting it ready and barely able to deflect her blow.

Then a thought popped in to his head.

"Wait! I know how to beat you!" He said. "I think I just gave away some weaknessish!"

Then he pointed behind Jane.

"Look! Jake!"

She turned and looked and then he hit her in the side of her head with his hammer.

That barely knocked off a sliver of her life bar.

But Jane just laughed instead.

"Well, you made me look like a fool even when you were down..." She said. "I _guess_ I will let you go this time. Just remember, when those 'danger' things come, you should be ready!"

Then she strongjumped away, taking off straight in to the atmosphere and disappearing in a glimmer of light.

John looked by where his door was and saw Nepeta smiling from the other side.

"Hi John!" Nepeta greeted. He just tilted his head to the side.

"Wait... who are you, again? Some girl Jade talked to?"

"I'll explain later, when I'm not busy."

"Busy?"

"I'm here to help get Jade out of her room."

"How did you know Jade is homestuck?" Asked John. "That just happened like two seconds ago."

"Trust me." Said Nepeta. "Let's just say there is a reason why I'm busy."

"So are you stalking us?"

"Cats normally stalk it's a cat thing stop asking questions I'm suspicious I always am."

John shrugged. "Oh okay then."

"Now, about Jade. Let's actually go up to her house and see what we can do."

* * *

Yes, there was still that bust blocking the way out. From Jade's room ,this time. And Kanaya was there as well.

Jade herself was heard above, complaining.

"UUURRGH! John are you ther e yet?" She asked. "Kanaya and I have been stuck for HOURS! Well, in Jade time, which is like two fucking minutes. I'm an impatient BITCH."

Then suddenly Jake appeared behind John and Nepeta.

"tally FUCKING ho mates!" Jake said. "Sacre Blue, you're here! I thought Jade was trying to fight her own battles, like you kind of did!"

"Uh..." Was all John could reply.

"Well then! I guess not! So WE are going to battle first, BEFORE my battle of the day with JADE!"

 **BOSS 2: PUMPKIN JUNGLE GUY?: JAKE HARLEY**

"Oh hell no not this again. I'm not even sure if you should be Boss 2." Said John. "We just want Jade freed so we can both leave our house. Well, I _could_ leave my house and I technically _do_ now every time I step to that part between the two halves of my house now that Jane cut it in half."

But shrugging, John then just did the exact same thing he did with Jane.

"Hey look over there, it's Jake - I uh mean Jane."

Jake turned his head for a split-second and said "Wait a minute... Jane warned me about this!"

But then he turned around and got his guns out to fire. John blocked himself and whimpered a bit since he still hadn't healed from the Jane fight, but Nepeta looked calm and smirked.

Then her (Nepeta I mean but she's the only female around) claws were able to deflect Jake's bullets.

"WHAT THE BRITISH-SATAN?" Asked Jake. "The British Satan, for those that don't know, goes by Satoun. IT's the Canadian spelling."

"I'm prepared." Explained Nepeta. "It pays off after being busy for a long time."

He kept trying to shoot, but eventually he accidentally shot the statue blocking the staircase out.

Jade and Kanaya finally began walking down.

"What the fuck is going on here?" She asked. Then she looked for like five seconds and shrugged. "Eh, same old same fucking old. No biggie dudes."

Kanaya, on the other hand, was more surprised.

Jade was about to go away when John protested:

"Hey! You're his 'good twin... ish!'" He said. "Go after him!"

"...Yeah, but didn't you want to be that big _Adventure Time_ hero like Finn?" Jade just lazily waved like an asshole. "Heroes fight villains. It's not obligated for the villain's siblings to do thart. Sooooo... bye!"

Jade just went over and back to sleep, now that she could leave her room she went back to her room.

She's kind of a little jerk in this AU.

"Well, _I_ can finally leave my home at least."

"Oh yeah!" Cheered Nepeta. "Yes, you told Jade and Jade told Kanaya and Kanaya told me that you enjoy going on adventures!"

"...With Jade, though. I'm going to wait for her to take up. Because that's how I do everything: together with Jade by my side, waiting for her loyally like I'm her dog or something."

Nepeta silently cursed under her breath. "...Dammit."

Speaking of Nepeta, remember when she said to look for the statue details? Okay, get this... out of the Jake statue, although un-noticed by Jade, was a small note with some sort of code. Now, remember this. Despite that being the Jake statue, it was signed by Jane.

The waiting actually took a while. But first, let's brag about Jane for a second:

That "V" thing that she carved when she sliced the house in half? Let's zoom out a little. Out to how it's still like a ditch/canyon to the neighborhood. Out to where it's a BIGGER canyon across like several streets over.

Hell, let's just skip to seeing it from space where it's this huge gorge thing that dug in to like the mantle of the Earth.

Don't worry everybody was on vacation so Jane didn't kill anyone with her sword there.

* * *

ANYWAY, now let's get to Jade being awake. So...

"We're gonna leave home now and go on adventures, homie." Said Jade to John.

"Okay."

Nepeta silently nodded.

PS, Kanaya already went back home because she wasn't going to wait for Jade.

Well, that's already **END OF ACT 1.** Sorry if it was longer than the old Act 1, but at least there's no Intermission thsi time.

Also, nobody really picked up on the card, so Nepeta just picked it up and stashed it away.

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

So this is definitely just more of an introduction to get this story 'established,' and so that _Housestuck: The Split_ will be the 'last' _SBIG_ installment to be published. I don't normally like doing "just" intro chapters with little content (and in the rare time I do, like with _run:gifocalypse_ , I usually publish the second chapter at the same time), but I also don't like the old SJAHJ and would like to at least get started on redoing some things.

Anyway, I will be working on _naruto the guy with the ninja_ 's fifth chapter starting tomorrow, and I might just stick with that until its ending because I'm already around the halfway mark. As for this story itself, I estimate that this might only have... about 7-9 chapters, and even that's pushing it a bit and assuming on the higher end. If you didn't really enjoy this or get too much of a "purposefully _bad_ bad" vibe out, don't worry: things are set to go crazy by Act 2. If you don't feel that, _then_ I _completely_ screwed up and you're fully allowed to hate me.


	2. Dang it, Jade

**Sweet Jade and Hella John**

 **Chapter 2: Dang it, Jade**

 **Beginning AN:**

Time to 'introduce' some characters that were already introduced six years ago, and had a 'spinoff' a short while back that was supposed to run parallel with _run:gifocalypse_ but then I played favorites with RG and now BS is still kind of in limbo...

I'm not really good at planning things out ahead of time, okay?

I know I said on the first chapter's notes that I didn't like how the old SJAHJ went unplanned but, to be honest, a good chunk of this chapter was kind of improvised. It should, however, be the only chapter with this degree of "making stuff up as I type the rough." I'm starting to _already_ pull the story together from this point.

All I want to say that's left is that I promise this story won't just be a rehash of _Homestuck_ 's plot, "but just badly drawn." You'll see what I mean.

* * *

 **ACT TWO.**

So the main characters were outside now. Yeah, finally, shit could get real. No more being trapped in the house.

John was then trolled by somehow but here's the curious thing: his Pesterchum word bubble was a leo sign... but CERULEAN.

EB: hi.  
AC: ::::8 hi  
EB: i will just be BLUNT.  
EB: who are you?  
AC: ::::8 nepeta  
EB: no you're not.  
EB: nepeta types in GREEN and has two mouths but not eight eyes in her speech beginnings.  
AC: ::::8 well technically we all go 8y the name of nepeta  
EB: wait.  
EB: vriska is that you and you're just fucking with me?  
AC: ::::8 vriska? you shouldnt know her 8y now...  
AC: ::::8 meet me at nepetas hive in five  
EB: oh come on i'm a slow walker because i'm fat.  
AC: :::8 okay fine meet me at nepetas hive in ten i just wanted a rhyme  
EB: make it twenty and you have a deal.  
AC: ::::8 oh for fucks sake-  
AC: XXXX8 FINE

* * *

 **(Thirty minutes later...)**

"I'm here." Said John opening the door to Nepeta's hive.

What he saw surprised and shocked and disgusted him:

There were a lot more than one Nepeta! In fact, it was a collection. One of each of the troll blood colors. You know, rust, bronze, gold, jade, teal, blue, indigo, purple, violet, and fuckshia.

Olive and Mutant were not there.

"What is this." John just flatly asked.

"Hi!" Said the Cerulean (uh, Blue?) Nepeta in reply. "I'm the Nepeta that trolled you. If you can tell by the text color matching my sign."

"Okay you got lucky by assuming I'm not color blind."

Fuchsia stood up and looked pretty peeved for some reason. "ARgh!" She said. "Why did you let _him_ know we exist?"

"Say, how _do_ you all exist?" Asked John. "Doomed timeline?"

"HA!" Laughed Fuchsia. "No, you wish. You see, we were all cloned, and we... actually need you to complete the stable time loop that brought us in here!"

"...Why don't you do it yourself?"

Fuchsia leaned back and did that thing asshole royalty does. "Because you already completed it in the future."

"Oh that makes sense."

"So," Exp,ained Bronze I guess she's the information one now. "In a few seconds Dave is going to message you about playing a game known as Sburb."

Then John's Pesterthing went off.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 4:04 PM (don't make 404 file not found jokes please) -  
TG: hey  
TG: youll never guess what i made  
EB: is iiiiiit... something calllled... sburb?  
TG: holy shit how did you know  
TG: are you spying on me  
EB: no i have someone from THE FUTURE to help dude.  
TG: wait  
TG: dammit nepeta  
TG: and daily dang it jade

"See, we're from the future." Said Bronze.

Rust said something in East Beforan. It sounded like: "Yeah this is all a stable timeloop. You'll be fine but it might hurt yourt hand at one point." but in not-Japanese. So John did not speak real Japanese or especially Google Translate Japanese (or wouldn't it be "especially Real Japanese" since he could just google on his PDA?) so this was a bit more difficult for him to grasp, so he did not get the warning about his arm but it would not atter anyway because it's a stable time loop.

EB: so details on the game?  
TG: what you have people from the future you should know this  
EB: but i don't! they're doing that werid guide thing where they only tell me a few words at a time and it is an EXHAUST man!  
EB: !  
TG: okay hold up  
TG: so you met the nepeta swaps  
EB: WAIT you KNOW them?  
TG: yeah  
TG: on one hand its more surprising that you dont know them but on the other hand telling you might have been difficult  
TG: nepeta to me was just a friend of a friend  
TG: well not really a friend  
TG: she was someone i knew and thats about it  
AC: :33 oh hi dave!  
TG: hey  
EB: WAIT, pesterchum is TWO ONLY. HOW are you on here too?  
AC: :33 we hack  
TG: yeah they can hack  
TG: its kinda disturbing  
AC: :33 very disturbing  
EB: oh is it like that guy with the twos and everything?  
AC: :22 why doe2 everyone think that im the hacker of the group ju2t becau2e i 2hare the blood color of 2ollux..  
AC: :33 well you s33  
AC: :33 i have nothing  
EB: so anyway is that sburb thing on?  
TG: yeah  
TG: and you know i shouldnt call the nepetas disturbing for butting in on conversations i mean i do that all the time when i dream  
TG: in fact im doing this right now  
TG: im sleeping  
EB: really? cool.  
EB: oh by the way where are you right now?  
\- TG ceased pestering EB -

* * *

So John and all the Nepetas (including a relucant Fucshia) made it to Dave's house, and he had a game system good and ready. By the looks of it. Dave himself looked kind of faded and transparant, like a ghost, as the conversation implied he's not DEAD he's a DREAM SELF. Dreams selves confusingly are more like imagine selves from _Problem Sleuth_ that might seem confusing but fuck it.

"Hey." Said Dave. "Don't mind me, I'm just resting up after... what happened last night."

"Yeah I know it's a lot." Replied John. "I don't need the explanation I just want to go on this mission the Nepetas say I somehow have to do?"

The bizzare 'Dream Dave' snapped his fingers and a game disc thing showed up in them.

"It's easy to use." Dave said.

"WHAT THE FUUUUUCK how did you even DO that?!" John asked.

"Long story. It involves Highbuck I think. Look, just download this and thank you for trying out my lil' experiment buddy."

"Okay GOD this has GOT to be the SICKEST of the games I want it, it should be dope, dang, and polygonal! What about omega, though? Dave is this omega?"

"I guess." Dave shrugged. "It _is_ sick, but I wouldn't bring in your unique you-and-Jade-only 'O' word."

So then John ran to his computer and allmost played the Sburb game.

"Wait." Said Dave. "One more thing. You have to play it _with_ someone. It's not a one-player game.

"... _Trust me._ "

"Oh I know!" Said John happily, ignoring the warning that's foreshadowing a Dead Session. "I'll play with Jade."

Dave took a big breath. "Of course you would... anyway have fun."

John was already on Pesterchum talking to Jade, while the Dream Dave sighed and disappeared in a flash of light. Because of running out of dream energy, which will be explained later.

EB: jade wanna play sburb?  
GG: is it a sexy game?  
EB: um i dunno.  
TG: well depending on what you do theres a snake monster with breasts  
TG: just look for the monster named echidna  
GG: cool! im in!  
(SBURB DOWNLOADIG NOISES)  
TG: what the fuck pesterchum doesnt even work that way  
EB: it does now motherfucker.  
EB: because we're playing sburb.  
TG: i mean i had it so pesterchum was compatible with sburb but  
TG: nevermind  
EB: yeah woah yeah this is gonna be FUCKING AWESOME!  
\- so yeah the conversation ended, and it was at like 4:17 or something -

* * *

John suddenly saw a big machine above him from the Sburb, it was lifted by Jade's cursor and was about to drop on him. So he ran away just before Jade dropped it on his head and could have crushed and killed him.

"Ha ha, Jade..." He laughed. Anyway that machine was the one with the Kernel Sprite; not to be confused with Colonel like Coloen Sanders, it's Kernal.

TG: you have to prototype that  
EB: hey hang on a second just wait a minute in a jiffy will you?  
EB: am i gonna lose my home?  
TG: why do you think that  
EB: i dunno it's just a hunch and rose said she thinks she has a guide on this game.  
TG: she does  
TG: oh right  
TG: i leaked some of the fine details to her  
EB: pfft you leak everything to her.  
GG: yeah dave you need to learn more of OUR friendship where we keep EVERYTHING  
TG: dont tell me about our friendship  
GG: oh didja think me and you?  
GG: hahahaha fuck you. were not even friends  
GG: im talking about me and the OG john! :D  
GG: hes better than you you worthless fuck ive been telling you that since we were like four  
TG: i know were not friends  
EB: oh jade you're so funny when you say "fuck you."  
GG: thanks :D its my special move

So anyway the kernel was there and John was not sure what to prototype it with.

EB: the kernels here i don't know what to prototype it with  
GG: porn  
EB: huh? do you even know what the kernel is?  
GG: no but the answer to a lot of questions is always porn  
GG: okay so got any porn around your homey-home?  
EB: jade.  
EB: you KNOW me.  
EB: so you KNOW the answer is NO.  
GG: yeah cuz youre a pussy :P  
GG: well try to next best thing it!

So he looked around for the next best thing.

Oh, hey, a poster of a Nic Cage that's cool.

GG: i know what youre thinking  
GG: dont  
EB: but jade!  
GG: DONT  
EB: aw, come on!  
GG: **DONT**  
GG: wait woah pesterchum can bold? i was trying to just put stars around it  
TG: actually thats a new feature i added  
GG: dont do that shit i know youre the king of pesterchum now or something but holy fuck im scared  
GG: it freaks me the fuck out  
GG: because youre freaky dave  
GG: oh also john i can watch what youre doing so if you shower then i can see that :P  
EB: jade! you know i'm self-consious about that! and actually before you say anything so is dave!  
TG: thank you  
EB: but dave get off of pesterchum you're creeping us out.  
GG: yeah dont spy on us you brother-battered fucker!  
\- turntechGodhead [TG] left the conversation -  
GG: thank god that abused little fuck is gone hahahahaha  
GG: anyway lets game  
EB: YES!

So then Jade once again almost dropped something on John. In this case it was the thing that you put the tube in and it drills it so that you could have the cyllinder thing from the kernalsprite thing be drilled.

Okay, two out of three. Now for the card puncher.

Jade dropped it on John's Dad's car and laughed her ass off.

GG: hahaha now if meteors happened like rose they "MIGHT" said you cant drive away  
GG: youre fucked dude :P  
EB: haha thankfully i have insurance.  
EB: you made it look like an accident right?  
GG: im pretty sure that would not be considered an accident  
GG: man yo daddys gonna beat the shit out of you  
GG: probably spank you i bet you like that dont ya ;P  
EB: um jade.  
EB: i think you're taking things a bit too far.  
GG: what fuck you this is sburb dammit! im just "mad with power"  
GG: its a cliche on movies

Anyway Jade dropped the third thing on John's bathroom and destroyed it.

GG: haha! okay thats it now if you have to shit or whatever just come over to my place  
GG: and maybe i can watch ;P  
EB: haha jade you're evil.  
EB: and very, very funny.  
GG: you know that thing the glowing blue thing came out of?  
EB: yeah.  
GG: turn that

So John did and to be honest I forgot the names of the machiens. There's the... Alchemizer? The Cruxite Towel? And the Totem Latte?

Well he plugged it in and got everything ready for entry-

For some reason it just made this tree and said tree was _blue._

Huh.

Anyway, the tree also made a copy of _Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures_ even though VIDEO GAMES DO NOT GROW ON TREEs, John popped it open and looked at the disc.

Wait...

Oh right the prototyping! He just threw in a Nick Cage poster I guess.

also, weren't there supposed to be mirrors and shit? I mean meteors. Eh. He decied to take Sburb out of his computer and plopped EENE: TME. He already played that game to fucking death but this should be a lot cooler.

But then his whole house teleported!

* * *

 **(The Medium... or is it?)**

So his whole house was warped on a planet.

GG: holy shit  
GG: dave how much fuckin dream juice were on to make something like THAT?!  
AC: :33 john no!  
GG: huh dammit youre hacking in me too huh  
AC: :33 yes i am  
AC: :33 but you forgot a guide!  
EB: i have a guide i prototyped.  
GG: also i just insulted dave for breaking in to conversations and now here you are doing the exact same thing  
GG: leave us two good friends alone dammit! :P  
AC: :33 no i mean a nepeta for a guide!  
EB: oh.  
AC: :33 well first you still have the REAL eene: tme?  
EB: yes.  
AC: :33 do not prototype that on any unhatched kernel  
AC: :33 actually dont prototype that at all  
AC: :33 it would be bad  
EB: it's okay i just prototyped a _con air_ poster to remind you that i'm a fan of nickolas cage.  
AC: :33 oh  
AC: :33 oh my thats probably bad but different bad  
AC: :33 hang on let me see if i can hack in to sburb and give it to myself  
EB: you can hack?  
EB: i thought the other nepetas said that was sollux's thing.  
AC: :33 well...  
AC: :33 i can do lots of things  
EB: how many?  
AC: :33 a lot  
EB: okay that answers that.

So then John got a look at the setting around him. He looked outside and his planet just looked like empty boring blackness, so he sighed.

Cagesprite said -

Hang on I'm not familiar with NC movies I mean I like saw the first _Ghost Rider_ but I was only paying half-ass attention to it. Hrm, let me see...

Ooh! He can turn in to that flaming skull-

No that's just Darkhorse from _Steve Buhvillen's Intriuing Group_.

So anyway he spoke.

"Johhhhhnnn..." he said in a ghostly dramatic way.

"What?" Asked John. "Also yay you're here! I guess I have to settle since I can't prototype EENE: TME."

"Settle, my friend. Settle good."

"Is that even a Nick Cage quote?"

"...I don't know because Great Pikmin Fan doens't know. Having been blessed with meta knowledge is a pain in the _ASS!_ I feel WEIRD! And not in the good oddly sexual boner-plan way." That was a Con air joke I think? The plan to give a boner?

"Haha, you're funny."

"Anyway just get the fucking grist and fight these imps."

Oh look!

An imp!

But John wanted to talk SPORTS with him instead.

"Hey have you heard about the game?" He asked, getting a baseball from nowhere and tossing it up and down. "Like, when that Troy Acheman guy when he kicked the baseball over the soccer net?"

His knowledge on sports was so shitty like SBAHJ that the imp just exploded because it was bad.

But anyway there was Grist! The downside was that this lacked a leveling up system so there's no ecchiladder. Yet anyway.

"So now what can I build with this?" John asked.

"Oh just build the house up. I don't know it shouldn't matter we're all fictional." Said Cagesprite.

Then Jade pestered John.

GG: urgh! i fucking hate your sprite already!  
GG: hes such a constant downer :(  
EB: okay.  
GG: prototype over him!  
EB: but is that not murder?!  
GG: i dunno i dont think its murder if youve got the prototype of a non-sapient  
GG: like a clown or something  
GG: do you have a clown?  
EB: HARLEQUIN.  
EB: and actually i don't.  
GG: whatever if it has a dumb ass smile and wears a lot of bright colors i see it as a clown  
EB: what if i called wolves and dogs the same thing.  
GG: dont go there that goes by a completely different standard  
GG: wolves and dogs are both SPECIES OF ANIMALS!  
GG: but harleclowns are just all humans. in dumbass makeup  
EB: ok that makes sense.

Anyway, back to Sburb.

There were more imps but the gag about John killing them by being bad about sports would get old fast. He IS a badass so he just up and slaughtered them mostly. With his hammer screw it everyone has their cannon weapons.

Not literal cannons but that would be pretty badass wouldn't it? STRIFE SPUCCUBUS: CANNONKIND!

So because Jade didn't fuck around with bad connection like what happened with Rose in canon she managed to get the house built up to the first gate.

TG: wait  
TG: what are you doing  
TG: slow down  
GG: ill answer in order:  
GG: fuck waiting  
GG: im doin' what i want bitch  
GG: and fuck slowing down  
GG: ;P  
TG: its really important that you slow down a little  
TG: because well

Anyway John just shrugged and already jumped in and-

DEMO OVER THANK YOU FOR PLAYING!

Suddenly John was warped back in to his house?! But he was a homeless! Now instead of HomeSTUCK he's HomeLESS?!

AC: :33 ARGH DAVE!  
AC: :33 I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE TIME!  
TG: oh right you and your time mission  
AC: :33 HOW THE HELL CAN SBURB EVEN BE A DEMO VERSION? A DEMO RUN?  
TG: well you see i didnt think they would just  
TG: get to the gate  
TG: this isnt a demo so much as it is early access skaianet is constantly updating the game with more quests and payed dlc and lootcrates and shit  
AC: :33 what kind of excuse is that? IF YOURE FINALLY GOING TO PORT SURB OVER TO REAL LIFE, THEN DO THE WHOLE GAME  
TG: okay  
AC: :33 you are lazy

Dave just sighed in annoyance at Nepeta.

Meanwhile, on Jade, Sburb (early access) just shut off and she could not see John or interact with him.

GG: sigh  
GG: okay dave im letting you back on  
EB: jade what happened?!  
TG: you didnt see the screen?  
TG: the game wasnt finished yet  
TG: its a demo  
TG: or should i say early access  
TG: its both  
TG: skaianets evil that way  
EB: do i have to pay for more then?  
TG: yes  
TG: pay for the full version but its still early access so some things like derse arent fully in  
TG: i am only autorized to give the demo for free  
EB: WHY?!  
TG: because i made a deal with roses family  
TG: theyre the ones who have the game and now own skaianet  
TG: i was just contacted to develop it to be honest  
EB: i thought sburb was something you made on your webcomic.  
EB: _coolstuck_ the thing about the two - no three guys playing a game.  
EB: bro and jeff or something like that.  
EB: so that's not your IP?  
TG: actually sburb was never really a me thing  
TG: it was all the highbucks idea in the first place  
TG: she just payed me to put it in her comic  
TG: i came up with sweet bro hella jeff germony the mermaids and everything but sburb is all on her  
TG: or it isnt  
TG: she talked about getting it from some guy but i know nothing about that  
GG: copyright is confusing and it sucking fucks i wanna do a mickey mouse torture porn fan fiction but disney wont let me :/

So anyway John just wandered around his neighborhood before until then he got an idea.

EB: jade.  
GG: yay i like hearing my name!  
EB: i wanna live in your place.  
GG: cool girl come over bring your pjs youre sleeping over motherfucker :)  
EB: my pajamas are at my house. :(  
GG: then sleep naked  
EB: NO!  
GG: why not i do that all the time?  
EB: NO!  
GG: chicken  
EB: fuck you hahaha.  
GG: bro fuck YOU  
EB: no, fuck you.  
EB: also i'm not your "bro."  
GG: this fuck you tennis has gone on long enough im bored im gonna set some things on fire cuz im a pyromaniac

* * *

So then John ended up in Jade's house with a huge sleeping bag with Cage on it and Jade was just there gathering some Squiddles and stuff to set on fire.

"Oh hey John." Jade said getting a nuclear bomb out.

"Hi Jade." The joke is that he's treating the bomb like it's normal.

"Wanna go rob a bank or something? I mean then you can pay for the full but still early access version and get all your lootcrates. Meanwhile I can get hentai and watch the BDs now finally. Wait am I rich? I know my house is gigantic but I forgot why."

"Okay sure."

* * *

 **(the Bank)**

Things were going FINANCIALLY WELL at THE BANK. A lot of MONEY was being traded around or whatever happens at banks.

John was sleeping and relaxing by the truck or something. (Yes Jade had a truck she's not on n island in this AU so there's a truck I guess). Jade was the one with the mask. I mean she has a GUN and that's normally a robbing weapon, more than a hammer.

As soon as Jade walked in with her mask ( _Friday the 13ths_ ) she laughed.

"GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY MOTHERFUCKERS!" She shouted. "THIS BANK IS UNDER _REVERSE-ARREST!_ WHICH MEANS THAT THERE IS A CRIME _BEING MADE_ AND NOT STOPPED!"

The people in the bank just looked around confusingly.

"Wait does this mean that we're on TV?" One of them asked, he was happy and excited.

"No because the camera crew isn't here yet."

"NO!" Everyone was screaming but these words were from that guy who spoke just a second ago." WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE _AND WE'RE NOT ON TV SO IT'S POINTLESS!_ "

"Hey bros and dudes chill this isn't a real gun. It's a squirt gun that I recolored so that it looks like a real gun. Because I'm not an actual real killer what you think I'm a fucked in the head like my 'friend' Dave Strider is? hahahahaha!"

"Oh."

So then Jade pointed the squirt gun at the teller or whatever.

"Now give me your money bitch."

"Yes! Yes I will!" She replied, panicking.

Suddenly the cops showed up.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Asked Jade. "I DIDN'T CALL FOR THEM!"

"I did though!" It was Jake! And he was being a rival fuckup again!

Jade was angry at her eviller rival whatever! I'm not sure if I still want them to be good/evil twins okay that was a dumb plot point back in the old SJAHJ.

Nah it was a dumb idea. If I said that in Chapter 1, which I forgot because honestly it was like years ago, then forget it.

"So Jake!" Jade cried. "What are you doing?!"

"Bloody hell I think I should ask you that question first. Why in the _ever-loving world_ are you deciding to suddenly rob a bank?!"

"Because I get money from it! Duh!"

"Oh."

"Ah! You said 'oh!' Does that mean you wanna join me and shoot up banks too?" Jade asked. "Or hell, isn't there a place with even more crime that a criminal can do? What about breaking out of prison?"

"No I don't want to join you I want to help ARRESTING you!"

Then suddenly another copy of Sburb dropped.

"The bloody hell is this?"

Hiding above in the shadows was Nepeta, sighing and annoyed.

"It's Sburb." She said. "The _full_ version. Well the full early access version. You're fucking welcome, Dave."

Jade grabed it and suddenly got out her lunchbox computer. "Oh fucking great and awesome! I can't wait to play this while I'm in a bank that I'm robbing! Maybe hopefully I can escape from the police while I'm at it?"

"WAIT WAIT WAIT NO!" Cried Jake, running over-

Oops the bank was teleported in to Sburb too. That was the next house. But who did it?

It was... Jane! She happily laughed as Jade's player, from behind her computer. What kind of scheme is she COOKING?! (Get it because literal cooking.) Why is Jade suddenly a bank robber? Tune in next time! Same Jade Time! Same John Channel! Only on _Sweet Jade and Hella John_! When this gets adapted in to YouTube, please like, comment (unless it's a mean comment like for example something saying the N word), and subscribe!

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Sorry this took nearly a year. My love for _Ordinarily United_ over on Fictionpress really is eating at my time writing other stories. And wow I haven't published a chapter on this since _April,_ OU's really taking my attention. Speaking of which, if you can handle TV-MA stuff you should probably check out OU.

Also sorry for my avatar at the moment. For future reference in case I lose a _Binding of Isaac_ daily really soon, it's the double .GIFfany one. I'll probably explain more later. Or not since its crappy MS Paint look actually _does_ fit _this_ specific story. Still, it's embarassing as all hell if seeing that is your first impression of me.

Since I finished Season 1 of _Housestuck: The Split_ I made a poll that organized the next few works I was thinking of and asked which of them you want to see first. The poll is **not** intended to be "here's the only things I'll even update/work on all year" so much as it is "these are sort of my highest priority, latest chapter at a time." I'll just recap the entire list, in priority order (bold is what I'm sort of working on occasionally, underlined is what I "finished" (really just updated one chapter of) and put back on hold, italics by themselves I haven't reached yet):

1: _**Ordinarily United**_ (Fictionpress story; Working on that constantly and way more than the other stories)  
2: _naruto_ _the_ _guy_ _with_ _the_ _ninja_ (Chapter 6)  
3: _Paper_ _John:_ _Sticker_ _Star_ (Chapter 2)  
4: _Sweet_ _Jade_ _and_ _Hella_ _John_ (Chapter 2; this right now)  
5: _**Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage**_ (Chapter 8)  
6: _**Ultimate Chaotic Mysterious Dark Power**_ (Chapter 1, which I might wrap up soon if it feels like it would take forever to write otherwise)  
7: _**The Unviewable Panties of Ishiko-Chan**_ (Fictionpress story; Chapter 1, probably like halfway finished)  
8: _**Total Zeksmit Plains**_ (Chapter 12, starting tomorrow)  
9: _361 Striking Degrees_ (Fictionpress story; Chapter 3)  
10: _Movie Day_ (Chapter 2)  
11: _run:gifocalypse_ 2018 (Hopefully) reboot (Chapter 1, but let's face it, OU is going on hiatus when I start that and it'll just be RG from here until I finally have it in such a way that leaves me "happy.") (FYI unlike the other "low" ones this isn't at the end because I'm putting it off, quite the opposite it's at the end in a "best for last" scenario.)

So, to copy a joke from _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ and one of the few jokes that I actually like in hindsight, "Next on list" is _Total Zeksmit Plains_.

Aw crap I kind of hate that story now.


End file.
